Script2Screen

Rating:
Angelina Jolie’s “Salt” opens today, but will hopefully lure few victims into its siren trap. The story centers around CIA agent Evelyn Salt, whose presence is requested at the debriefing of a Russian defector. The defector reveals a decades old plan to brainwash Russian children as sleeper agents, who were then surgically altered and swapped with American children. One of these sleepers has been activated and will assassinate the Russian President at the funeral of the U.S. Vice President. The assassin’s name is Evelyn Salt. Rather, than staying to prove her innocence, Salt goes on the run.

The “Salt” draft I read is written by Kurt Wimmer, with revisions by Brian Helgeland. Both writers have created some wonderful stories, but they have also crafted stories so terrible they should be charged with crimes against humanity. For example, I absolutely love Wimmer’s “Equilibrium”, a 2002 film about police in charge of enforcing a law forbidding the experience of emotion. On the other hand, Wimmer’s 2006 futuristic vampire action film “Ultraviolet” is an abomination. Similarly, Helgeland (best known for “A Knight’s Tale” and his Oscar-winning “L.A. Confidential” screenplay) has also worked on such mind-numbing films as 2003’s “The Order”, 2009’s “The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3″, and 2010’s “Robin Hood”. It’s worth noting that Helgeland has the dubious distinction of winning an Oscar and Razzie in the same year.

Going into this screenplay, I knew it could be exceptional or exceptionally bad. I’m not the type of person who walks out of theaters in bad movies. When I pay for a ticket, I’m ready to stay for the duration, no matter how horrible the film. However, I was wishing there was a theater to walk out of while reading this screenplay. I almost quit reading numerous times, but I finished it for you, the reader. And now, before continuing this review, let us pause for a moment of silence in honor of those brave brain cells who sacrificed their lives so that you can avoid this film and preserve your own brain cells.

If someone told me they were planning on making a mash-up of “Minority Report” and “The Manchurian Candidate”, I’d be intrigued. However, if asked if I was interested in “Minority Report” meets “The Manchurian Candidate” meets “The Spy Who Loved Me”, I’d run as fast I could in the opposite direction. Unfortunately, the latter mash-up is what best describes this film. The only thing that works in this script is the pacing, which is unrelenting. The story moves from one action sequence to the next without giving the reader much time to think, which is the last thing this screenplay wants the audience doing.

There’s hardly anything to like about any of the characters. The script introduces main character Salt by showing her practicing napkin folding. The accompanying dialogue essentially sets up the fact that she is an incredibly anal person. In other words, she’s not only the type of character I don’t want to watch, but she’s also the type of person I would never want to watch a movie with.

There are SPOILERS below, but you might as well read them because there is no point watching this film.

The things “hero” Salt does are so implausible they are worthy of their own “Mythbusters” special. For example, Salt uses a fire extinguisher-turned-missile to blast open a locked CIA elevator door with one try. At one point, Salt hides from CIA agents in a vat of flesh-eating beetles (because everyone knows being consumed alive is better than being wrongfully arrested and possibly sent to prison). Later, she jumps onto a moving motorcycle without the unexpecting driver crashing. Not only do these events push the limits of my suspension of disbelief, but some are also simply bad decisions.

My favorite bad decision is when Salt attempts to prove she isn’t the supposed assassin by temporarily paralyzing and pretending to kill the Russian President, which nearly leads to World War III and nuclear missile launches. From there on, the story changes drastically, showing that Salt is indeed the sleeper agent, but also has another (predictable) third-act twist.

The biggest problem with “Salt” is that it doesn’t earn its most ridiculous moments. I’ve got nothing against ridiculous action. I enjoyed the recent “The A-Team”, but that filmmakers set out to be ridiculous and never took the script too seriously. “Salt” is written very earnestly and with very few moments of humor. Consequently, the script’s more outrageous occurrences seem to come out of nowhere and don’t fit well with the rest of the tale.

Don’t bother seeing “Salt” this weekend or ever. The screenplay is so joyless and bafflingly bad it has almost zero entertainment value. It’s not even “so bad it’s good”. It’s just bad.